CHARITY FATIGUE: If, when and how much to give?
If you've ever experienced a little charity fatigue, I feel for you. I live in an activist neighborhood, where most days a Savvy Girl can’t take three steps without being pressed for a signature, a membership, a donation, or occasionally, a kidney. You want to help, but it can be overwhelming sometimes. Yesterday I witnessed something that is still washing over me.
A woman in a wheelchair has been on the same corner for years, asking for money. “Pam” has had a hard life; struggle, rejection and hunger is etched in her face, making her look far older than her late forties. She's pleasant and chatty, and as befits her survival, she's creative. Pam invents problems on the spot: a temporary housing issue that would be resolved if she could just make another twenty dollars today, or a broken tooth that would be fine with that ten-dollar paste that will hold it in place. Sometimes, it's true, often it's not; I know her well. But her basic need is authentic.
So I was a little taken aback when I heard a man yell at her: “I’m sick of it! I’m sick of you! All these years and nothing changes! I give you money again and again—you’re still here! You’ll be here forever!” I felt for them both: his exasperation and her dignity. She confided: “I get it: not everyone can give. But man, don’t take away my hope for climbing out of this rut one day.”
How do you cope with people who beg? How do you give discreetly, or decline gracefully?
Hi Alicia! We donate to charities that have causes that are meaningful to us (which can be difficult to choose sometimes because there are so many). But, as for the close-to-home situations where people are begging or holding up signs on the streets or at highway exits around town, I keep “homeless bags” in my car. They are filled with non-perishable food items and a bottle of water. That way, I can hand a bag to the person rather than dole out money and I know I have still helped in some small way. I have been doing this for a while and, recently, our congregation at church made up a bunch of bags and the members each took a few in their cars so we can perhaps make a little difference in the day of a homeless person. Most of the time I get a big smile, or a “Thank you,” or a “God bless you!” It’s worth it!
Jenny, what a great idea! What sorts of things do you find are most useful to include in your bags? Say, canned food with ring-pull tops and a plastic fork? Maybe toothpaste and a bar of soap? Like your friends,I’m inspired by your thoughtful gesture.
Good on you! Alicia
We donate to charitable organisations on a monthly and every few years I try to select new charities to support so that different causes receive our support. People say that big organisations spend a good portion of donated money on administration. Whilst this is not ideal, it’s often true, but I think that if only 10 cents in every $1 got to the villages that needed it, put food on the table or provided clean water for those children who need it, then it’s worth the effort.
People are hugely generous, especially when appeals are made for natural disasters, it’s quite moving that people come together to support others and it makes us feel involved too and not just sitting on the sideline. Famous people often get on board and help promote the need for charitable donations. I’m all for this, use your influence if you can. I just wish some of the lesser known causes could benefit more – charities that help victims of trafficking, child prostitution and slavery. The Grey Man http://www.thegreyman.org is one charity that tries to tackle these issues. Please check out the site and support it even by adding a link onto your FB page.
As for individuals, who knows what hardship people endure. I can understand the frustration of the guy who yelled, but who are we to judge? I’ve been told off by strangers because I’ve given money to the homeless man in the street and told ” he’ll just spend it on alcohol or drugs”. Well he’s and adult and makes his own choices. Allow him that luxury at least. In a life where you don’t have a roof over your head or anyone to rely on, the day to day decision making has been lost, if a few dollars helps provide 5 mins of pleasure, then I’m not going to judge.
Oh and on a final note, whilst I respect people have the right to choose who benefits from their charity and whilst I would NEVER want to see an animal hurt or suffer, I find it difficult to understand people who leave their entire assets to a cattery or donkey sanctuary when there are starving children in this world!
Rant over & wishing you all well.
Marie
Hello Marie, I like the idea of reviewing charities from time to time. And I’m with you on how the lesser-known or somehow less appealing causes get sidelined.
I’m glad you mentioned the Grey Man (http://www.thegreyman.org/) –they do seriously good work. Not only do they work with local authorities to conduct raids on child-sex businesses, the’ve branched out to help the girls to piece their lives together afterwards. Sadly, some are rescued from the brothels, only to be rejected by their families and villages, as they are now “tainted”. Thanks for the reminder! Alicia
PS: Totally agree on an entire estate being left to a cat refuge. Help animals by all means, but how lovely if these donors also considered neglected children with empty stomachs, waiting for someone to help.
I just received the following via email. I don’t know its original source, but I know the cousin who sent it to me would show this generosity of spirit if she entered the cafe’ described in this story.
CUP OF COFFEE ON THE WALL
I sat with my friend in a well-known coffee shop in a neighbouring town of Venice, the city of lights and water. As we enjoyed our coffee, a man entered and sat on an empty table beside us.
He called the waiter and placed his order saying, Two cups of coffee, one of them there on the wall. We heard this order with rather interest and observed that he was served with one cup of coffee but he paid for two. As soon as he left, the waiter pasted a piece of paper on the wall saying, A Cup of Coffee. While we were still there, two other men entered and ordered three cups of coffee, two on the table and one on the wall. They had two cups of coffee but paid for three and left. This time also, the writer did the same; he pasted a piece of paper on the wall saying, A Cup of Coffee.
It seemed that this gesture was a norm at this place. However, it was something unique and perplexing for us. Since we had nothing to do with the matter, we finished our coffee, paid the bill and left.
After a few days, we again had a chance to go to this coffee shop. While we were enjoying our coffee, a man entered. The way this man was dressed did not match the standard nor the atmosphere of this coffee shop. Poverty was evident from the looks on his face. As he seated himself, he looked at the wall and said, one cup of coffee from the wall. The waiter served coffee to this man with the customary respect and dignity. The man had his coffee and left without paying. We were amazed to watch all this when the waiter took off a piece of paper from the wall and threw it in the dust bin. Now it was no surprise for us the matter was very clear. The great respect for the needy shown by the inhabitants of this town welled up our eyes with tears.
Coffee is not a need of our society neither a necessity of life for us. The point to note is that when we take pleasure in any blessing, maybe we also need to think about those people who appreciate that specific blessing as much as we do but they cannot afford to have it. Note the character of this waiter, who is playing a consistent and generous role to get the communication going between the affording and the needy with a smile on his face. Ponder upon this man in need. He enters the coffee shop without having to lower his self-esteem he has no need to ask for a free cup of coffee without asking or knowing about the one who is giving this cup of coffee to him he only looked at the wall, placed an order for himself, enjoyed his coffee and left.
When we analyse this story, along with the other characters, we need to remember the role played by the wall that reflects the generosity and care of the dwellers of this town. What a way to show compassion and maintain human dignity for all.
Grace, thanks for sharing this, it is so touching. What a lovely gesture among the cafe’s clientele —and for it to be echoed in the way the staff treated the man with the same courtesy. Recently I saw an old man in a coffee shop sitting at a table with a take-out drink and someone offered to get him a “dine-in” coffee so that he could enjoy respite from the cold a little longer. Lovely as that was, the way you mention would preserve his dignity a little further still. Thanks again, Alicia.
We have our specific charities that direct debit us once a month but I was always getting caught by the ones that phone your home. I am a soft touch & can’t say no, I also lack the guts to cut them off mid-spiel & sit there like a chump listening to the whole sob story, then after having listened I feel I can’t say no. One financial year we raked up over $3000 given to charities and then Hubby said ” that’s it, you can’t answer the phone anymore, let it go through to message bank.”
The guy in the street that shouted at the lady sounds really rude. Ok, he said he’d been giving to her for years & she was still there….Is that really any of his concern? The heart of charity is to give to those that need it but he’s not buying the right to say what she does with it. Those that are truly charitable give without thought of recognition. “Do good then disappear”. Can’t remember off-hand who to credit with those words but it’s a quote I heard somewhere.
Hi Megan, I love that: “Do good then disappear”. It beautifully combines generosity of spirit with discretion.
And a good strategy to let the message go to voice mail; it allows us to take a step back, and decide without pressure if and what to give that particular time.
I wouldn’t say you lack guts to say no – I’d say you have a very big heart, but I respect we all have a budget.
Putting that filter in place seems a good way to go, especially when you already have regular deductions made every month.
I’m glad you shared this.
Cheers,
Alicia
Charity fatigue, yes, it can set in–especially when it’s the same person/charity over and over. But I only get mad when I know it’s a con–like the fellow who carried a wheelchair down into the subway, got in it, and then started begging. Or if the person is overly aggressive (I have a crazy story about an encounter at a gas station).
I haven’t gotten charity fatigue that often, but I did experience a long bout of sympathy burnout. It’s basically the same thing, but centered on a single person. How long (and I’m talking years) can you keep being supportive and encouraging to someone who always complains about not feeling well? Someone who would try to one-up you if you were having a heart attack, hit by a car, or pretty much anything serious??? Some people who act that way are probably going through a serious depression, for others it’s just a hobby. Their families worry when they stop complaining.
With the telephone solicitations, I take an approach similar to Grace’s. I tell them I don’t want to waste their time and I wish them luck.
Hi Rick, good point on the distinction between general fatigue and burnout involving one person and their ongoing situation (presumably without taking action between moans and groans).
Your experience on the subway reminds me that a few years ago, a friend saw a “blind” man begging, and when he reached into his pocket for a ten dollar bill to place in the man’s flat palm, the beggar’s fingers instantly drew together to accept the paper money.
I mention this not to take the focus off giving, but a simple reminder to be on guard, so that our charitable dollars really do go to those who genuinely need them.
Thanks for sharing this – and my apologies for the delay in responding. Alicia
I always give to charity where possible. There have been times when you have a particular charity who has a representative at every single street corner you turn. It’s an excellent strategy when you think about it, so you might as well donate, and put that little sticker on with pride.The reward is twofold 1) knowing that the rest of the tin shakers will leave you alone. 2) You always feel good afterwards because you know it has gone to a good cause.
Sandy, I agree. And good point, the little sticker wards off multiple approaches from the same charity that day!
Thanks,
Alicia
Is giving away a dollar a day going to change my lifestyle? But accumulated with many other one dollars a day – how much difference is that going to make? I always give to a tin shaker at a shopping centre or a street corner; sometimes to a beggar; and hardly ever to a telephone request. The latter, I find an invasion of my home and my private family space and time. However, I do give on the occasion to a telephone request, when I think of the person who is earning a living by making these phonecalls. The line I normally answer these calls with is “I appreciate you taking the time to make this call, but I won’t keep you any longer than necessary. Thank you and all the best for your charity” and I hang up before the caller can take their next breath.
Hello, Grace. I think I’ll use your line! It hits all the marks and I like that it wraps things up on a positive note without having to talk further. I’ve tried those opt-out numbers in various places we’ve lived, but some calls still leak through. In some areas, if you donate, you can remain on their list for six months afterwards. Thanks, Alicia