- THIS ISSUE: *My twin, my donor? *Best time to donate? *Do I tell a future partner that I donated?We’ve been trying to conceive (TTC) three years, and now the doctor says we need an egg donor. Our obvious choice is my twin sister. All our family and friends thinks it’s a perfect solution─just not for me. My sister and I were close as kids and teenagers, but always fiercely competitive. We still are. She has two children, says her family is complete and has offered to donate. I hate the idea, but my husband is over the moon. Just a moment. It sounds as though you’ve just heard that you need a donor; you deserve to catch your breath. While it’s great to be proactive, you deserve time to process this news and the grief of not being able to conceive unassisted. Your family means well, but you and your husband are at the very center of this decision. You have some insight into your relationship with your sister, and when the time is right, you’ll need to explore your feelings around the pros and cons. You don’t say why you hate the idea. Would you feel eternally obligated to a sibling with whom you have a competitive, perhaps fractious relationship? Might this usher in healing, instead? Does part of you feel she has already “won” by being able to conceive? Sure, there are pluses. Accepting her offer would help preserve a family resemblance to your child, and you can more easily tap medical history. But this decision is for the long haul. Consider a joint session with your husband, sister, her partner and the clinic psychologist to discuss the dynamics at play. I’ve been interested in being a donor for a while, but the time never seems right. Any tips to help decide? I sense we’re looking at two time-frames here: the practical and the emotional. The practical timing: consider your current commitments and any flux in your life. Are you about to move house, change jobs, or embark on a course of study? Do you have a family member who is more dependent on you than usual right now, or a major project at the office, with a deadline looming? You’ll need the time, energy and focus to attend physical/psychological assessments and to take the hormone injections at the same time each day. Also, you’ll need to attend the clinic for blood tests to monitor the treatment. The emotional timing: is something holding you back? Do you have doubts or unexpressed concerns? Do you feel pressure or guilt to do so? Is your partner supportive, and is your relationship stable and ongoing? If you find yourself postponing repeatedly, it deserves a closer look. I’m due to donate next month. I’m single and happy. Looking ahead, do I need to tell a future partner? Short answer: it’s your choice whether to share your experience with partner. When we arrive at a new relationship, we weigh up how much, and when, to divulge about previous relationships, sexual partners and other choices. I assume we’re talking someone you might choose to build a life with, as opposed to casual dating. I’d encourage you to share what you’re comfortable with, especially if you’ll be looking to start a family with him or her. Egg donation deserves to be celebrated, not swept under the carpet. It is (or will soon be) part of who you are, emotionally and medically. Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice. Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young
Trying to Live Gracefully in a Rushed World
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