ASK AN EGG DONOR™

[Welcome to ASK  AN EGG DONOR™ - a monthly, chatty forum where you're invited to ask me anything about egg donation. If we need an expert medical opinion, I'll put on my journalist hat and ask. That said, please note this column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.]

ASK  AN EGG DONOR™

# 01, Nov 2015

Why did you decide to donate, when you chose not to start your own family? —Julia, Boston.

My husband Jon and I greeted all the usual milestones with friends: college, 21st celebrations, weddings, babies - oh, except the last one.  We chose not to have children, but we absolutely feel and see the joy that children bring their parents, as well as their whole extended family. We love fussing over little ones - we just didn't feel that pull to have our own. Our dear friends, Angela and Steve, were dealing with infertility. We saw the grace and dignity with which they navigated their journey. Here we were, discarding an egg each month that we didn't value, which they could value very much instead. We offered to donate, and they now have a gorgeous daughter, Rachael. Five years later, a different friend asked us to donate, and Kate and Thomas now have Sam.

Are you a known egg donor or anonymous? Do the kids know the truth? — T.J & S, Marlborough, MA.

Funny you should ask! One couple was very open, and not only acknowledged but celebrated their baby's origins. The other couple... well, one parent was determined to be open from the start, and the other wanted secrecy and shared the bare bones. I do support openness surrounding a child's origins, but at the same time I DO respect it is the choice of each parent how they handle things. That's the nuts and bolts. My book gives more info: that's really not a sales pitch, there's simply no space here to fairly present each side and how things turned out.

I know this sounds last-century, but I don't feel complete as a woman if don't find a way to become a mother. All my friends are in grad. school and I ache to be stay-at-home-mom (at least for a few years): pregnancy, spit-up, car pool - the whole package.  — Gemma. San Francisco (via email)

I respect you're not asking for sympathy, but my heart breaks for you. What you're describing is not last-century, it's a very natural, primal drive. I hope you have a strong and varied support network, because you deserve every bit of it. I trust you know about resources like www.resolve.org and www.resolvenewengland.org.  Consider visiting a local chapter; you will be welcomed, listened to and understood. And while family and friends have the best intentions, their ability to listen or give advice can be colored by their own feelings or agendas. This makes a professional counselor a valuable go-to resource. Others prefer someone through their church, temple or other place of worship. I appreciate there is a very real financial toll with fertility treatments, so if your health insurance can't stretch further, check out resources at community centers, "sliding scale" agencies or consider a supervised, final-year graduate student at a respected college. Your employer might also cover some sessions short-term.

I was shocked to find a brochure about being an egg donor in my daughter's room. She graduates college next year and thinks the extra money could really help. All I can think is: somewhere I'll have a grandchild I'll never hold. I have to say something. —Capricorn, Boston.

This can be especially hard for mothers of potential donors. This is not how you pictured things would be! I appreciate you are coming from a place of love and protection, but try to hold back a moment. Don't catch her in the hallway and launch a barrage of questions; let her know you respect she is an adult, and you'd really appreciate making a time to sit down and talk it through. As tempting as it will be, try to hold back on the "shoulds" and give her the gift of non-judgmental, active listening. Mirror back what she is saying. For example, "What I'm hearing  is ..." and let her clarify. If she remains determined, you can help her research the clinic, checking if the doctors are board-certified etc. In time, she might need your help to compile a family medical history. Given your daughter's age and stage, you are entering a new phase in your relationship. Maybe she will donate, maybe she won't, but either way, the approach you adopt now will inform how you relate moving forward.

Thanks for being part of my first column! Questions of your own? Please email me at: askaneggdonor@hotmail.com. You can Direct Message (DM)  me on Twitter @AskanEggDonor, or leave a comment here. Next column: December 1, and each first of the month after that. 

BIO:  Alicia Young is a two-time known egg donor, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor's account of friendship, infertility & secrets. (see Amazon, or the homepage at savvylife.net). She holds degrees in social work counseling and journalism. Alicia has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India, a nursing home in Chile, and an orphanage in Indonesia. In her spare time, she handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed.)  Alicia is based in Houston and travels through the US and overseas for speaking engagements. www.savvylife.net (C) 2015 Alicia Young.