ASK AN EGG DONOR™ (December 2015)

ASK AN EGG DONOR™ #02, Dec 1, 2015. THIS ISSUE: *Asking a relative to be your egg donor *Coping with the Holidays *Using an overseas agency *Psychological assessment *Telling your family. We’re thinking of asking my adult niece to be our egg donor. How do we go about it? As I’m sure you appreciate, it’s an important issue that deserves careful consideration. While I respect your niece is an adult and can make her own decisions, you might like to first raise the idea with your sibling. You don’t mention whether your niece has started/completed her own family, or plans to have her own children. There’s several important relationships to consider here, and many dynamics at play. If your niece eventually decides to donate, will your sibling consider the child his/her grandchild? Meaning: would you be given the space and freedom to parent in your own style? A donor within the family certainly brings advantages, but consider investing in a few sessions of joint counseling to ensure key players have a chance to air their feelings and to better explore how this might play out in the short and longer term. ‘Tis the season of cheer…really? I want to scream and cry at being swamped by images of happy families gathered around Holiday tables and children unwrapping gifts. I can only imagine how this time of year feels for you, as you long to start your own family and your own traditions. Friends tell me they use several approaches to ease the discomfort: some forward their gifts ahead of time and join everyone in time for the meal; they find it a little easier to sidestep all the excitement and wrapping paper flying in the air. Call time-out with a walk around the block if it all becomes too much. A few impose their own media blackout (not easy, I know) and binge-watch their favorite shows in the days prior, for respite from the constant ads and jingles. Others might prefer to volunteer at a meal for the homeless as a worthwhile way to redirect their energy. My neighbor sticks to online shopping to avoid the malls and the lines to see Santa. My wish for you is a little breather, encouraging news on the medical or paperwork front, and renewed hope for your path to parenthood, whatever form that might take. Here‘s to joyful news in the new year, if not sooner.  Should I use an overseas agency to find an egg donor? That depends. I suggest you first explore local options, as you can more easily check that the doctors are board certified, visit your short-listed agencies and get a better sense of how they work through meeting staff and/or attending seminars they offer. If you still want to check out overseas options, it helps to be clear as to why: Are they more likely to have a donor pool aligned to your ethnic background? Is there a shorter waiting list? Are they cheaper?  Do they have a local satellite office where you can do at least some of the initial paperwork/tests, to cut back on travel or time off work? Are they licensed and regulated? It’s also worth gauging how many staff speak your language: not just the doctors/nurses, but also administrative staff to make appointments or discuss billing. I’m thinking of signing on as an egg-donor at an agency. What happened at your psychological assessment? Great question. First up: relax. The psychological assessment works two ways: a chance for the counselor to check if you will be a good candidate for egg donation, but also a chance for you to ask any questions to ensure you understand a process you may or may not choose to take further. I was asked about my motivation to donate, my expectations of the process and its likely outcome. We discussed how my partner felt about it, and whether he needed coaxing or was fully on board. She asked how we spend our time together, and resolve conflict, as well as our hopes and dreams for the future. She was seeking a sense of the relationship to gauge if was stable, supportive and ongoing. We had already decided not to have children, otherwise I’m sure she would have delved further into family planning. If you are considering being a known donor, you will be asked how you feel the dynamics might change with your egg recipients, and how you will manage that. If you decide to donate anonymously, the counselor would want to explore your feelings and expectations around that. Did you tell your family that you donated? At the time, I told my siblings, some of whom showed a passing interest. I chose not to tell my parents for many years, out of a sense of protection; I suspected that they might not see beyond the notion of an unknown grandchild out there. Perhaps that was unfair or presumptuous.  I was a known donor both times (to two separate couples) and while they each said they would want the children to know me and the role I played, I couldn’t presume they would welcome a third set of grandparents (no matter how peripheral). I have offered a few times over the years to organize a get-together, if only out of curiosity on the children’s part, as my parents are getting older. Neither the children nor their parents have felt any pressing need, and that’s absolutely fine. This column is not a substitute for medical, psychological or legal advice.

Are you a fertility blogger, or do you represent a clinic? Contact us for fresh content for your website or patient newsletter! Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in Houston. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? Send them to askaneggdonor@hotmail.com  © 2015 Alicia Young.