Could you organize the group gift? Could you babysit this weekend? Could you lend me some money (again)?Meet Carla. She said yes to all these requests—this past weekend. People who meet her see a dynamic, caring and accomplished woman. They’re right.They’re just missing something—Carla is a people-pleaser. You won’t find it highlighted on her resume, or part of her online profile, but it’s there. Carla struggles to say no. She is warm and caring at her core, so it’s no act—she wants to help. But then she feels resentful later, when her time is stretched. Have you ever suffered a little bout of the “the disease to please”? Sure, there are short-term payoffs when we say yes: we feel good, we see the other person’s relief, we hear and feel their appreciation...then later, it hits: how am I going to juggle this? What’s a Savvy Girl to do? She starts with a little naval gazing: how many times has she found herself in this position recently? (be honest, then pass the chocolate.) What motivated her? Was it pressure or guilt? (more chocolate) Did it stem from a desire to be liked? (break out the Belgian truffles) Practice saying no. It seems like petulant toddlers are the only ones allowed to say “No!” with utter defiance. Let’s reclaim it. Say no to small things at first, then work your way up. If you’re not up to that, buy time: say you’ll think about it, or you need to check, and you’ll get back to them; then email or text, if you’re not comfortable yet saying no in person or on the phone. Anticipate the guilt trip and the broken-record responses, so that you’re not blindsided by them. Respect and protect your free time. Remind yourself that you can support your friends, but you don’t need to take on their problems. Make this year about saying no. Then get ready to say yes to the things that you really want to do in your free time. What sort of things do you find are sticky to say no to? What works for you? Cheers, Alicia
Trying to Live Gracefully in a Rushed World
Hola! To people pleasers everywhere
I was that girl! For most of my life. Then I hit my 50s and, well I realized time was shall we say…less not more. Something slowly happened. I just did not want the morning after feeling of regret. So I started really figuring out how to avoid it for my own sake. It worked and I got hooked. Now in my 60s I really do not do ANYTHING I will resent later…85% of the time. Not bad I say for a lifetime of pleasing for a living. That’s my story and I am stckin to it. There. But its true.
Hola, Louisa!
You captured it: The morning-after regret kicks in, very much like a hangover. Only instead of thinking, “What did I say after those cocktails…?” It becomes “Did I really agree to take that on?”
Why are so many of us raised to accord the needs —and even the whims—of others more importance than our own?
I take my hat off to you for drawing your line in the sand, and for adopting it gradually. It has sticking power that way.
So good to see your name pop up! – Alicia
Hey!
I didn’t know this was up and running! It’s lovely!
I miss you and I wish I had had a chance to visit with you before I jetted out.
I’ll be back though! Hopefully refreshed.
K
Hey Kuukua! Great to see your name pop up, apologies for the delay in responding. I’m in the middle of manuscript revisions. I miss you,too!Look forward to seeing you when you’re back in town. Cheers,Alicia
Hi Alicia, LOVE the new site! Very Glam and Savvy.
Thanks, Holly! Glad you like the new look.
Cheers,
Alicia
Hi,
I spent years being a people pleaser – hardly ever saying ‘no’ to a multitude of ‘small’ things – but the biggest ”no” I needed to implement much earlier was to my child. It’s never too late and I’ve seen the positive power of ”No” in these past months when I’ve had the courage to exercise it more. And my enlightenment: how was he, when he needed to, meant to have the strength to say “no”, when he’d hardly witnessed it in practice from his own mother?
Hey Charmaine, I’m sending those truffles telepathically!
Thanks for contributing – here’s to a bit of naval gazing for Savvy Girls everywhere.
Cheers,
Alicia
Nice one to begin the year with Alicia, will need to do some navel gazing. Also can you pass the Belgian Truffles please?!
Hi Alicia,
I am certain a lot of women can relate to the story about Carla. Thank you for the reminder, saying “no” to loved ones and friends and feeling ok about it and at the same time not getting hooked into the guilt trip will be a worthwhile challenge to reclaim part of ourselves.
thanks
Sandy
Sandy, you hit in on the head with the guilt trips…so often it just takes a momentary pleading look or “Are you sure you can’t help out?” and suddenly we’re signing away the lion’s share of our weekends!
It really resonates when you talk about “reclaiming” a part of ourselves…we all have so many demands on our time, we end up putting ourselves last.
Thanks for contributing,
Alicia
Hi Alicia,
You’re so right! Sometimes we just need to say ‘No’ in a nice but firm way. When life is so hectic it’s often simpler to say yes for an easy life, but then regret the decision later. Juggling work, family and friends is great, but I need some ‘me’ time too! Saying ‘No’ can mean the difference in being a slave to others and having some time out for yourself (I’m all for the chocolate / glass of chilled wine and a good book in the sun for a little time-out).
A savvy girl realises the importance of saying ‘No’ when needed – whether it be business or pleasure. Balancing what we can do for others as well as ourselves isn’t always easy but really is essential for a happy life.
So my resolution, take a few more minutes to make my decisions and see what really works best for me. If ‘No’ is the answer, I’ll be happy with that decision and there will be no need to repent at leisure.
Good luck. Looking forward to next week’s thoughts, Holly.
Thanks Holly, you make really good points.
It can feel easy to say yes, then the sinking feeling registers (by the way, the same thing goes for eating KFC…sounds good, then the regret kicks in minutes later).
Seriously though, you’re so right that we have a choice…we can become enslaved to others, or cast a vote for our own free time. What you suggest makes all the difference – take a few minutes before responding, then make a decision that will sit well with us later.
I appreciate your input!
Cheers,
Alicia